Because You Speak Directly To My Heart
I didn’t think my life would turn out this way —
With my familial structure collapsing
I contemplate the decay of the matriarchal role.
Loss of control over what I thought I always wanted…
I no longer have a clue.
As I go through the coming undone of my mother’s life.
Is it for me?
My feminine heart once so immersed
in the concept of giving birth to my own…
I came into this world wanting it;
My womb was made for it.
But who knew,
My heart would break in such a way
Causing me to move away from the possibility…
Do I want to bring children into this place,
And displace the sorrow at the root of my confusion?
Shame invades my space
As I consider: No.
My empty womb revolts,
As I don’t think I’ll bear my own.
But then there’s you…
And what I thought I knew a second ago,
No longer holds true.
Because you speak directly to my heart,
And activate the part of me I thought was dead.
I am alive.
And the desire to start a family with you
Feels as obvious as the sky is blue…
In a moment,
Anything is possible
And I begin to dream.
My foresight mending the fragmented pieces of me…
Fragmented because I feel like I am doing motherhood now
In a way that I would have never chosen for myself.
I feel myself want to forgo my dreams,
To let go of any need,
To surrender the necessity to make this happen with you.…
Because I’m afraid to claim the very thing that I may never have.
I don’t want to impede on the unpredictability that is life.
And plant the seed of something that may never grow.
And still my womb overrides this cautious intention
Not giving a fuck about my internal apprehension.
Made to breathe life into potential creation,
To ensure the cultivation of our sacred union.
She will not be silenced.
Yes, I am mothering the mother who once mothered me,
…I can be a mother to my own.
So while I don’t know what will unfold,
My womb will forever hold her yearn.
What is there to do,
But surrender my concerns,
And open up to the all possibilities with you.
Anything is possible...
...And so, I begin to dream again.
The Feminine Heart
I spent my whole life searching for love outside of myself; it wasn't until I found it within me that he appeared.
"Love in The City: Tales from the Feminine Heart" is a column devoted to vulnerably conveying the words of my heart through the unfolding of the greatest love I've ever known.
Jessica Winterstern B.Sc., M.Ed., M.A., is an intimacy and relationship coach who helps women and men discover the love they've been yearning for all their lives. Learn more about Jessica at www.jessicawinterstern.com and follow her at@jessicawinterstern and @thefeminineheart